I don’t like talking on the phone. I just don’t.
This hasn’t always been the case. I talked on the phone a lot as a high schooler, when it was still attached to the wall. I’d chat with friends for hours on end, about homework and about boys and about…? What else? In my case, probably Weird Al.
When I entered the workforce, I initially ended up in jobs that required a lot of phone interaction. These conversations were hardly ever pleasant (as they almost always involved moneys owed), leading me to resent the whole mode of communication. Talking on the phone became a “work thing”, not a fun thing. Therefore my general default attitude regarding conversing with me is this: unless you’re calling about work, or unless it’s an emergency, just text me if you want to chat.
Lately I’ve been trying to warm up to the whole phone-thing, especially because, in recent years, I’m realizing more that I need people in my life badly and some of the people I need are also people who live far away from me. I do currently have a standing monthly phone call with a close friend; I, honestly, feel a lot of dread in the days and hours leading up to our scheduled time (because phones, NOT because of the person), but I come out of the conversation feeling encouraged and renewed and heard. Not to mention that this person is hilarious, so the call is always a hell of a lot of fun as well.
Just in the last few weeks I had a phone conversation with a very dear friend with whom I hadn’t spoken in a few years, though we had lately been exchanging emails and texts. I was really afraid that my dislike of phone calls would get in the way of everything, but it didn’t. There were sparks of joy at the very beginning (hearing each others’ voices for the first time in years!) and then a wonderful conversation that followed. I always wrestle with that side of me that hates the time I might “lose” by being on the phone. I instead felt renewed, again, by getting a chance not only to re-connect, but to be a part of her life again, in a way that text messages and emails can’t quite capture–phone calls are not isolated from the life happening around us: for her, that included a joy-filled toddler living their best life; for me, that included getting barked at by 4 silly dogs while their owners tried reining them in, since I like to walk around the neighborhood while I talk on the phone.
Just a few things I have learned or have been reminded of by being on the phone with a friend recently:
- If you can’t laugh together in person, laughing together on the phone is best.
- It’s so so so helpful to hear all the nuances of someone’s story, and the emotions felt in each part of it. You can’t hear another person’s shaking voice, smile, tears, determination, or uncertainty in an email (and when you do, it’s because *you’re* injecting it into the writing).
- Instant responses save a lot of time and build better understanding. There’s so much opportunity in a phone call to ask a question in the moment for clarification. For the other person, it’s helpful to let them know in the moment that you hear them, to encourage them to keep expressing themselves. When asked about my day, I let my friend know that work didn’t go quite how I wanted it to go, and she was able to respond right away by saying “That sucks, I’m sorry. Tell me more.” I was invited to get into the details and trust that someone was actively listening and caring.
- Phone calls with a friend are a reminder that time is not our possession and is not something we can control. Our time, like anything else that we have, is given to us by God and is to be shared generously. I’m saying this as someone who struggles with this IMMENSELY.
For book club over the summer, we had been reading Liturgy of the Ordinary by Tish Harrison Warren. She calls Christian friendships “call and response friendships” that involve conversations confirming to each other “the truth of who we are and who God is.” The phone call with my friend very much felt this, consistently affirming each other throughout, and speaking truth to one another when we heard the other one doubting themselves. It doesn’t get much more encouraging than that.
I think my default, unfortunately, is to treat calling a friend as a last-resort measure, out of fear of it feeling like work, and also out of fear that I’ll be conversationally steam-rolled (maybe a topic for another time). I wonder what difference it would make, especially going into the call, if I learn to trust God with the time he’s gifted to me and with the interaction I’m having. How will I grow as a result of the conversation? How can I use the call as an opportunity to encourage the person on the other line? What can this interaction teach me about being a better friend, and about trusting God with my resources and my words?