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bright spots round-up

A little-known band once sang the following lyrics: “I have to admit it’s getting better, a little better all the time (it can’t get much worse!)”. This is true for me in a lot of ways, but it’s on my mind right now in the thick of “shelter in place”. Most days, if not every day, my anxiety has been heightened and I’ve been feeling emotionally weaker than I have been (more on that perhaps some other time), but there have been moments and experiences that have been bright spots in life, and they probably shine even brighter now than they would’ve before.

One of my very favorite podcasts right now is Pop Culture Happy Hour, from NPR. In their weekly show, their second segment is “What’s Making Us Happy This Week”. I’d like to borrow from this and try out a regular “What’s Making Me x This Week”-type thing. “X” standing for whatever I feel like sharing.

This edition will be more of a list format, as I’m going to cover the mid-March through present day time period when we’ve been in shelter-in-pace. So let’s begin “notable bright spots through shelter in place”! (It needs a snazzier title, I know)

  1. Random Stationery Hauls

Throughout the pandemic I’ve experienced more of an importance placed on supporting small businesses, and for me, Greer Chicago is one of the first small businesses that came to my mind. I placed an order in April, and now I wish I had taken a picture of the packaging it came in because everything inside was beautifully wrapped with the utmost care, which hit me as a really simple and refreshing sense of order in the midst of the chaos. And then I had the distinct pleasure of seeing and holding these gorgeous notebooks and pencils and erasures, the next best thing when you can’t actually visit and experience Greer Chicago’s shop in-person. The pink pen is a Kaweco Sport fountain pen – I had gotten a light blue version of this last time I visited the shop, which Reggie very literally sank his teeth into earlier this year. It writes like a dream, and my handwriting isn’t worthy of it, but it certainly motivates me to write more and write better.

2. Zoom

I know we’ve gotten into the “Zoom sucks” stage of the pandemic (I’m no exception to this). But. Without it, especially in the unseasonably cold March, April, and early May that we had, I would’ve almost completely isolated myself from my people (because nothing has changed the fact that I still struggle with talking on the phone), and my weekly routines would’ve been significantly upended. Zoom definitely is not a 1:1 substitute for meeting in-person, but with the technology, I can still meet with our church small group, and “go” to my counseling sessions, and talk with a friend over lunch, and celebrate birthdays, and, the craziest one for me, make new friends. As far as what I regularly do from week to week, thanks to Zoom, nothing has really changed for me during the pandemic. It sure does look and feel different, and it’s far from ideal, but not unlike a lot of times in life, sometimes we have to accept the shadow of the best thing until we can experience the actual best thing itself again.

A couple quicker-hits:

3. How different churches are using YouTube. Two examples that I’ve been viewing/participating with on a regular basis are Trinity Community Church’s Daily Office videos and Church of the Ascension’s Morning Prayer videos.

4. Middleditch and Schwartz on Netflix. I love improv and I love these two goofballs. It is delightful and it makes me wistful for the time when I’ll be able to go to a live show again.

5. Indoor dog parks, like Wag n Paddle, that were able to re-open in May, while the outdoor ones near me are still closed.

6. Animal. Crossing. New. Horizons. (Nintendo Switch)

Thanks, Al.

7. Making classic cocktails. In the days before covid, I’d go to restaurants/bars on a semi-frequent basis and try out different cocktails, so now we’re learning to make and try some at home like the Old Fashioned, Manhattan, Negroni, Gimlet, Sidecar, and my favorite, the Aviation. It’s been so much fun to learn the techniques and the ingredients, and not have to pay nearly as much per drink as I’m used to!

That’s a fairly all-encompassing list for now. What’s been helping you get through this universal weirdness?

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a 14 year old writes a mission statement

I’ve been very unfair and judgmental toward one person in particular lately: younger me. I accuse her often of being naive, undiscerning, irresponsible. I blame her for many of my problems and struggles, utilizing variations of the tired formula “If you hadn’t done ‘x’, then ‘y’ wouldn’t have happened.” As if that will give me any solace from my anxieties, or free me from any trouble. It’s like, if I can’t jump back in time, then the next best thing is to, apparently, point out to tween/teenage/young adult Chris all the things she did “wrong”, which I know will hurt her. This is a tragic series of sentences to see reflected back at me right now. Honestly, I’m ashamed of this [ironically enough] childish behavior of mine.

Today I am, in theory, in the process of re-organizing my desk area at home. When it comes to paper or notebooks, I tend to keep a lot of things that are fairly old, especially my childhood journals. All my paper stuff including my journals are generally near my desk, so when I go to re-organize, I also want to take a “quick look” at my old journals…which becomes an event of reading through the entire journal and reflecting on the memories.

My re-org Achilles heel this afternoon was a prayer journal I had written primarily between the years 1999-2001. Reading through this journal was a humbling exercise for my currently proud, scorned, all-knowing adult self, who had expected to be re-acquainted with a boy-crazy, happy-go-lucky, self-centered pre-teen, who could’ve been helped greatly by my newly-acquired wisdom. What I found instead was someone who was thoughtful, earnest, and caring, who had questions and doubts, who loved God and her church, and who didn’t take hard decisions lightly. Sure, I was definitely hormonal and confused and a little flighty, but much more than that, I wanted to be a good person who honored God and brought out the best in others. I was also shy, and insecure, and afraid to make people sad. In the journal, I pray for specific people by name, that God would be with them during their hard times. I realized that, if young-me knew current-me, my name would’ve also been in that journal, because my struggles would have weighed on her heart.

Not only have I been short-sighted, but I have lost myself in the process of casting judgments upon myself. Instead of me teaching teen-me a thing or two, teen-me has had to remind me who I am and what the desires of my heart are. Because, as much as I may have changed or grown, the core passions of my life have remained relatively unchanged (with the exception of a few minor tweaks). Turns out, 14-year-old Chris needed to help me remember who I’ve been this whole lifetime, no matter what good or bad has come my way:

I need to apologize to myself somehow, and also move forward with a little more security in who I’ve been and in who I am now, knowing that I will continue to grow and learn and do my absolute best as I advance through this crazy and complicated life.

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the one where I re-purpose a perfect hymn

We sang “How Great Thou Art” in church today, the one hymn that has followed me from my more fundamentalist conservative church upbringing through the various congregations and para-church events I attended in college through the nine years I’ve been in Illinois. The chorus, “Then sings my soul…how great Thou art!”, gets me every time. It seems to find me when my soul is decidedly not necessarily in the mood to believe it (that God is great), let alone sing it. This song also reminds me, every time we sing it at church, why going to church per se is not for God’s benefit, but for our, for my, benefit. Sure, corporately worshiping God and learning about God glorifies Him, and that’s incredibly important. But the gathering of Christians in worship of God is a gift from God that truly benefits Christians.

Here’s a reason why: after a long week which often involves the seemingly-endless struggle of anxiety and depression, and conflict and fear of conflict, and strained and broken relationships, and a constant news-cycle shit-storm, my broken and tired soul needs to be fed the truth, spoken both by me and by others around me. I bring all this in with me when I go to church on Sundays, and so my heart is rarely in a place to believe how great God is when we begin to sing. But I read the words and sing it aloud anyway, while listening to those around me proclaiming the words as well, hoping for the grace to truly believe. Never underestimate the power of a beautiful song to affect the deepest places of your heart in such a way that nothing else can. More often than not, when my heart is in a state of unbelief yet longing to know God, grace prevails and the truth of the hymns or of the Bible do strengthen and refresh me, especially when there are 100 other people immediately around me also affirming these words.

I’m not a songwriter by any stretch of the imagination, but after singing “How Great Thou Art” today (originally a poem written by Carl Boberg in 1885), I thought it could be interesting and helpful to add some verses to personalize it a bit, especially as a way to meet my heart when it’s in more of an anxious and dark place. In the actual song, the first couple stanzas are in response to the richness and wonder of God’s creation, so this exercise was to try starting from the place of a hurting, near-sighted (and self-sighted) spirit and see if there’s a way to re-orient the focus of that [familiar] spirit to the greatness of God, even in the midst of worry and grief.

  1. Oh Lord my God, I’ve stumbled in the valley,
    I’m hidden from Your grace and from your peace
    I find myself so shaken and despairing
    And wonder if my soul shall find release

    Still sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee: How great Thou art

  2. And when my head is full of lies and worry,
    I fail to grasp how generous You are…
    I see the birds and sun and moon and flowers,
    You care for these, much more so for my heart

    So sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee: How great Thou art

  3. I’m overwhelmed by hatred and injustice
    That fills this earth, and cannot see You clear
    Hardships don’t cease, they fill my heart with anguish;
    I cry to You, it feels not like You’re near

    Still pleads my soul, my Savior God, to Thee: How great Thou art

  4. When bridges burn and on this isle I wander
    I look around, it seems like I’m alone.
    I search for You, I seek with cries and weeping…
    I beg of You to come and take me home.

    So wails my soul, my Savior God, to Thee: How great Thou art

  5. Forgive me Lord, when I believe the Liar
    And when they taunt, “sin triumphs over grace!”
    Please point me to the cross, the grave still empty,
    And lead me to the sweetness of Thy face

    Then sings my soul, Victorious God, to Thee: How great Thou art!